For days when I don't like me.

As a disclaimer, I should point out I'm generally a pretty happy person.
Yet, of late I've spent a lot of time thinking about who I am as an individual, and what that really means. I've questioned how I interact with the world, and what effect I have on it.
Unfortunately, I think I'm going through an existential crisis.
Even more unfortunately, that sounds really, really gay.
But whatever, that’s just how it is.
I think this all started when I got laid off from my job. I was cabinet making, and I actually really liked doing it. I had a plans and for the first time in a while, a goal for my life.
And suddenly it just all went away. Apparently God has a sense of humor that is far more sophisticated than mine.
At first, I felt ok. After that I felt sad. Then really panicky. Finally, I stopped caring.
This is not good for a number of reasons.
I have found through personal experience that the second you stop caring for yourself, by extension you stop caring for everything around you. It makes perfect sense. By nature we all love each ourselves first, and depending on how good we feel about ourselves at any given moments is usually an indicator on how we will treat other people. If you feel like crap about your week, you'll probably be a crappy person to be around.
So my challenge of late has been trying to act like a decent human being despite feeling my life is one big empty canvass.
But it’s not really me I want to discuss.
I have to wonder why being good to people is so hard, even in the best of times. If we're feeling happy about our lives, it’s easy to be nice to friends. Or beautiful people. But usually we gloss over the ugly things in life because thinking about them too much would kill our buzz. I find the most prudent thing in these times is to make fun of the "ugly" because it shows how much better we are for being lovely. What outrageous selfishness.
On the flip side, if we're feeling awful about ourselves, there is nothing more we'd like more than to watch the world burn. Especially the beautiful things. We instinctively demand that all share in our misery, and in our ugliness. What awful narcissism.
I'm starting to think this is the root of all sin.
For us to be good people no matter what we feel about what's going on, we have be counter intuitive. When I feel pretty good about how life is going, I have to share that joy with the hopeless and the miserable. Contrarily, when I despair I should probably reach out to someone who can help me even though I may hate the thought of it.
For all of life's complexities, I find it shocking that solutions are found in the simplest things. Like loving others like we love ourselves. If we all took a good hard look in the mirror, we tend to think we're pretty great. And if we insist on liking ourselves so much, we should at least earn it.
May God forgive us.
God, forgive me.