For days when I don't like me.

As a disclaimer, I should point out I'm generally a pretty happy person.
Yet, of late I've spent a lot of time thinking about who I am as an individual, and what that really means. I've questioned how I interact with the world, and what effect I have on it.
Unfortunately, I think I'm going through an existential crisis.
Even more unfortunately, that sounds really, really gay.
But whatever, that’s just how it is.
I think this all started when I got laid off from my job. I was cabinet making, and I actually really liked doing it. I had a plans and for the first time in a while, a goal for my life.
And suddenly it just all went away. Apparently God has a sense of humor that is far more sophisticated than mine.
At first, I felt ok. After that I felt sad. Then really panicky. Finally, I stopped caring.
This is not good for a number of reasons.
I have found through personal experience that the second you stop caring for yourself, by extension you stop caring for everything around you. It makes perfect sense. By nature we all love each ourselves first, and depending on how good we feel about ourselves at any given moments is usually an indicator on how we will treat other people. If you feel like crap about your week, you'll probably be a crappy person to be around.
So my challenge of late has been trying to act like a decent human being despite feeling my life is one big empty canvass.
But it’s not really me I want to discuss.
I have to wonder why being good to people is so hard, even in the best of times. If we're feeling happy about our lives, it’s easy to be nice to friends. Or beautiful people. But usually we gloss over the ugly things in life because thinking about them too much would kill our buzz. I find the most prudent thing in these times is to make fun of the "ugly" because it shows how much better we are for being lovely. What outrageous selfishness.
On the flip side, if we're feeling awful about ourselves, there is nothing more we'd like more than to watch the world burn. Especially the beautiful things. We instinctively demand that all share in our misery, and in our ugliness. What awful narcissism.
I'm starting to think this is the root of all sin.
For us to be good people no matter what we feel about what's going on, we have be counter intuitive. When I feel pretty good about how life is going, I have to share that joy with the hopeless and the miserable. Contrarily, when I despair I should probably reach out to someone who can help me even though I may hate the thought of it.
For all of life's complexities, I find it shocking that solutions are found in the simplest things. Like loving others like we love ourselves. If we all took a good hard look in the mirror, we tend to think we're pretty great. And if we insist on liking ourselves so much, we should at least earn it.
May God forgive us.
God, forgive me.

UPDATE: Another shout out to Sheldon

Well, I suck at keeping up with this. 20+ days since I have wrote anything. Believe me, its not because I don't have ideas. I actually had come up with a bunch of blog posts in my head, but I'm never anywhere near a computer when it happens.
Another thing that's kept me from the blogosphere is that I'm working on a novel, so that takes up a lot of my writing energy.
Still, I really enjoy this outlet. Sheldon texted me to write a new one, and so here I am.
Sheldon, I'm sorry I got to it a bit later than I said.
Anyways, my new "serious" blog will be posted above.
Basically, this is me creating needless apologetic filler.

For Sheldon

I loled

Oh come on!

As of today, I have 137 visits to my blog.
Matt and Sheldon have almost 600.
I hate them so much.

My head is where ideas go to die.

I'm a victim of self-censoring. There are times when I was going to write a post, but stopped myself cause I was afraid I'd offend someone I know.
Screw it.
I'm just going to go out and say enough is enough. From this point on, if I have an idea or thought I that I feel is valid, I'm just going to throw it out there.

PENIS!

What? What are you going to do about it? Nothing! Thats what! BOW BEFORE MY LIBERATION PEASANTS!!
MUHAHAHAHAHAHahahahaha. . . ha. . . hmm.
*sigh*
I'm lonely.

This is where I'm at.

So I have spent my entire evening so far reading a webcomic. But I'm not going to tell whoever reads this which one it is because I'm a jerk. Unless you ask me nicely.
But that's beside the point. I'm haven't posted anything in a month. I wish I had more. I really want to be the kind of person that is full on interesting, pithy dialogue and everyone want to know what's going on in my head.
This leads me to suspect I may have self-esteem issues.
Let me be transparent for a while. I don't particularly think I'm that good of a person. I actually am quite aware of various flaws. I think can be very self-absorbed. It sucks. I kinda think that I overcompensate for this by desiring universal acclaim. This is a little embarrassing to admit, but I sometimes imagine myself as well-respected writer whose opinion on things everyone wants to know. That's pretty lame.
I console myself by thinking that I can't be the only one who feels this. Deep down, everyone person wants to be loved and adored on some level. Obviously there are those who shy away from any and all attention, but they are still creatures who demand that someone love them. Maybe this is what people call a "God-shaped hole". I used to think that was a stupid term, but not anymore. It just makes too much sense.
I find the ones we crave to love us the most are the ones who let us down the hardest, which is generally how interpersonal relationships have always been. The danger is if we let the fact we're never going to be perfectly loved by people get to us. If that happens, than we become small miserable beasts who love dark cynical things and hate everything else.
I certainly don't want to become that twisted. This is where the whole "God-shaped hole thingy" comes in.
The solution to this seems to be not defining ourselves by how others imperfectly love us. I suggest we come to an understanding that its God who loves us perfectly, and let that sort of trickle down to the rest of our lives. I mean, I believe in God and that He's perfect and He really loves me. I want to take that knowledge, and make it like the ocean. From that big wonderful source are the basic building blocks of life. If God's love is really transformational like He says it is, than letting it exist in my life will be the source from which everything else flows. So if people don't love me they way I want them to, I'm ok cause I'm connected to something infinitely more powerful. And when I screw up, I don't need to overcompensate by looking for validation in silly places.
I know I'm not covering this whole subject in much depth. Hell, I'm not sure I could ever do the subject much justice. I guess I'm just shouting out in the deep cavernous intertubes hoping to hear something wonderful echo back.
By the way, if anyone out there doesn't believe in God or give Him much thought, maybe check Him out. I promise it won't do any harm.
Just throwing the suggestion out there.

On a near related subject, I really want to try to be more consistent with these posts. Like actually post more. At least once a week.
And not for attention.
Right now I really just want to create something.